Gort vs Tommy Wiseau: The Room - the worst movie ever made?

Stardate 03082012.2:


Happening upon a former Galactic Alliance Commander who had been injured and had to transplant his brain into the body of a frog, my crew had mutinied. In awe that Walter, the so-called "Einstein Frog", had made a brief appearance in Mark Dacascos martial arts' flick Drive, Gort and his girlfriend, Helen Cox of New Empress magazine had switched my brain with that of Walter and fired my new froggy body off into space in one of our escape pods, allowing Commander Walter to take my place.

In my plight, I was at least comforted to have been left with one, single DVD to view as I waited for the shuttle to crash into some celestial body. I inserted the disc into the player and settled down to watch. You can imagine my horror when I discovered that the only DVD I had for the rest of eternity, was the alleged Worst Movie Ever Made, Tommy Wiseau's The Room.

My cries of "GOOOOOORRRRRRTTTTT!!!" echoed out into space. Yet, when they finally ended, I noticed my console was bleeping at me. Could it have been a rescue ship? This far out into space? It made no sense. Examining my console I discovered there had been a secret signal broadcast by the disc that may have summoned help. Looking out of the porthole, I could make out the approaching ship. Imagine my surprise to discover it was shaped like a giant head. A very familiar head. "Oh, dear Zod, no," I uttered.

I held my breath as the ship docked with my pod, the hatch slowly opened and my rescuer climbed aboard.

"Oh hai, Commander!" he shouted.


To be continued...

We believe that idiosyncratic auteur Tommy Wiseau is an alien. Hear us out. How else could he have such a profound lack of understanding of human beings? Take Wiseau's bizarre masterpiece, The Room. Wiseau directs and star as Johnny, and the film revolves around his life with his venomous girlfriend, "Leeesa" and a teenager named Denny, originally scripted to be a mentally disabled child who has been taken under Wiseau's wing. At some stage it was decided that this was a little politically incorrect, so Wiseau cast a teenager without any of these problems. He did not, however, change the script in any way. This makes the moment where Denny asks if he can stick around and watch when Wiseau and Leeesa want 'private time' rather more creepy than Wiseau perhaps intended.

Speaking of 'private time', the film's five sex scenes seem to show a profound lack of understanding of the physical process of sex as well. Wiseau's whithered-looking torso appears to be attempting to hump at somewhere in the vicinity of Leeesa's sternum. Elsewhere, the characters Michelle and Mike seem to only be included in the script to show how open Wiseau is to letting random strangers into his house to have sex while he is out. Another choice example of the oddities of this perplexing movie includes a conversation Leeesa has with her mother, who casually mentions that she has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. Her daughter offers no reaction, whatsoever, and the conversation continues as if nothing has been said. It is not mentioned again.

Much of the action takes place on a rooftop, access to which is through a stairway that leads out away from the building into apparent empty space. One scene set on this rooftop sees Wiseau rant to himself about the injustice of Leeesa claiming he had hit her, something we never see her do. He shouts and yells and throws a bottle of water, then, without missing a beat, immediately stops and smiles as he sees his friend Mark is there. "Oh hai, Mark!" he declares. In fact, Wiseau says "Oh hai, ____!" every time he lays eyes on a character throughout the entire film. He even says "Oh hai, doggy!" at one point.

All of this builds to an ending so over the top and self pitying that it will be forever burned into your memory. The result is a film that is so ridiculously insane that it makes Rocky Horror look like The King's Speech. Added together with the endless continuity errors, terrible acting and atrocious dialogue, it is impossible to take The Room seriously as a movie. We choose to see it as a cultural experiment Wiseau undertook in order to understand human beings; or, perhaps, a very lonely man's efforts to pay a group of people to hang around with him for several months. Regardless of how you choose to see the film, it says far more about the mindset of the mysterious Wiseau than anything about film making, other than how not to do it. Nevertheless, this is an experience you will not soon forget and we absolutely love this movie.