It's the old, old story: boy meets girl; or girl meets boy; or boy meets boy; or what have you. Except when said boy or girl or whatever is a munter.
When a hero/heroine's love interest is desirable, it can enhance the experience. You root for them to get their lust object because you vicariously fancy a bit yourself. On the other hand, if the said lovely is much less than such, it can ruin the whole experience as you wonder why they are bothering, and nothing rings the death-knell for a film more than the audience wondering why.
Not that I am strictly being shallow. If a love interest is just a bit of a muppet, then you can be just as put off. You can understand why Shallow Hal still goes for an obese Gwyneth Paltrow as you've seen their relationship develop, but when the object of desire is skinny-as-a-rake and vacuous-as-deep-space, it doesn't work as well.
So, to encourage film-makers to do better, I bring you a list of the ten least-appealing love interests in film:
1) Trinity - The Matrix
Why? Say what you like about The Matrix and its sequels, it would have been improved if Neo's darling was a little less bad-ass and a little more "nice ass". Let's be frank, she's a computer hacker in her thirties who likes wearing rubber and hanging out in fetish clubs, who will indiscriminately shoot people when startled. She's not exactly a girl you'd take home to meet your parents!
More than anything else with this scenario, what bothers me is that Neo is left with the *difficult* situation of being FORCED to get off with MONICA BELLUCCI (!!!) in order to save the world! Men spend their lives dreaming of having such an excuse! And he hesitates!?!?!?
Then again, I suppose you can admit that Trinity and Neo both share a complete lack of personality that almost scuppers the trilogy, so perhaps they belong together. I'm sure no-one among us would maintain that The Matrix would not have been improved vastly if Belucci had been given the role of Trinity. If only because being French would have given Trinity a character trait aside from "trigger-happy".
2) Ricky Fitts - American Beauty
He's a drug dealing waiter with a penchant for beanie hats who likes filming plastic bags floating in the wind and dead things. He also appears to be wearing eyeliner. Does that sound like boyfriend material to you?
3) Dorothy Boyd - Jerry Maguire
It may be wrong to discount a love interest because she is a single mother, but when her child is this irritating it cannot be ignored. Particularly when the mother is infuriatingly whiney and comes attached at the hip with a human contraceptive of a sister. More than anything, it's Renee Zellwegger! Who cares if she quit her job for you?! You're better off with the bitchy shag-monster!
4) Jack - Legend
The boy is obnoxious from the moment she meets him and even blames her when he violates his sacred duty to protect the unicorns in order to get a chance at a shag. Nonetheless, even a horny Tim Curry sweeping Lili off her feet is not enough to distract her from Mr Floppy-fringe. I mean come on, at least the devil has some personality!
5) Mary-Jane Watson - Spider-man 3
She whinges, she whines, she plays hard to get up until the worst possible moment, then confesses her undying love. You just know that the young, film Mary-Jane is going to grow up into the killjoy desperate housewife of the comics. Worse, she tries to marry some fancy-boy astronaut, apparently just to make Pete jealous, then she cops off with his best friend before aiding him in his evil scheme to ruin Peter's life! Still, Peter chooses her when a besotted, tasty-looking Bryce Dallas-Howard ditches her boyfriend for him! Surely his Spider-sense must be tingling about that decision!
6) Clemens - Alien 3
So you're a butch middle-aged space pilot whose love interest and psychologically-adopted daughter died in cryogenic storage, leaving you alone on a moon full of mentally-deficient rapist criminals and one nasty alien killing machine, how do you react? Well, you'd play hard to get with the friendly doctor UNTIL he reveals he's a heroine-addicted prisoner himself, then you'd screw him, wouldn't you? The wooden space-station monastery makes more sense!
7) Rachel Dawes - Batman Begins/Dark Knight
Ah, decisions, decisions. Who do we prefer? The moaning, holier-than-thou, goodie two-shoes, Katie Holmes version? Or the Maggie Gyllenhaal version, who, whilst being a MUCH better actress, isn't quite as hot and seems to live only to torment Brucie. First, she ditches him for pretty-boy Harvey Dent, then tells him she loves him, but STILL won't sleep with him, before dying horribly AND leaving him a heart-breaking final kick-while-you're-down letter. Bring back Catwoman!
8) Dr. Stephen Arden - Species
Throughout the course of the semi-pornographic scifi/horror cheese-fest with a great cast that is Species, Sil semi-shags her way through a group of model-looking clubbers, has a go at Michael Madsen and even gets all dream-sequency with a fellow alien; but who does she end up with? Alfred Molina. That's right, Alfred Molina.
9) Annette Hargrove - Cruel Intentions
Do I even need to explain this one? Sebastian ditches out on Sarah Michelle Gellar; a bisexual... Sarah... Michelle... Gellar... offering PERVERSE SEXUAL LIAISONS!!! Hell, even Selma Blair is a fair option! But no. He chooses Reese Witherspoon; and why? Because she helps old people and pulls funny faces. He deserves to get run over.
10) Edward Cullen - Twilight
A vampire is one thing. He is likely to rip out your throat in any random moment of weakness, of course; but this offers, at least, some semblance of excitement. On the plus side of the Russian Roulette you could at least get a jolly good shag; but no, not this vampire! All you have to compensate for the constant danger is a life of morose celibacy and the occasional piggy-back. When you add in the fact that he sparkles, you may begin to wonder if this vampire could also be a fan of musical theatre.
There were many, many more suggestions over the last week or so: Reed Richards, Willie from Indy, Julia Roberts in Closer, Spock in the new Star Trek and even Hellboy in , well, Hellboy. If you have any more suggestions, please comment or tweet us at @dayhwstoodstill with the tag #unappealingloveinterests
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